Fandom: Chronicles of Narnia
Summary: Edmund spent too many years at war with himself, his mind hates him, and he’s forced to deal with evil, poncy, stupid, mean, Peter the Git. How does overcome his own private war? Set in the end of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by C. S. Lewis, various publishers including but not limited to Harper Books and Harper Trophy Books. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Edmund spent too many years at war with himself.
His only redeeming salvation was that he would realize it before his self-made conflict utterly destroyed him.
Edmund still fought an internal loosing battle, however, because he had not yet had the realization. Comprehension had not dawned inside him. Comprehension turned elusive, which was just fine by him. He did not want to comprehend the sort of person he was becoming.
He was becoming as evil and self-righteous as he told himself Peter was. He was becoming as heartless and imperfect as he claimed Susan was. He was becoming as stupid and childish as his mind whispered Lucy was.
Edmund had yet to realize that his mind deceived him. His mind decided to betray him, for his mind hated him.
His mind hated him nearly as much as it hated his soul.
A soul his mind thought to lose somewhere in land filled with Winter.
A soul his mind thought to bury under packed snow and smothering ice.
A soul his mind thought to conquer and break.
Edmund’s mind supplied him with perfect Heaven. It was a beautiful place—he could almost taste it in each hurried bite of perfect Turkish Delight. He could almost smell it in the clean, sharp scent of pure, perfect snow. He could almost feel it when perfect warmth spread though him, flooding his body the same way he envisioned power would. He could almost see it lurking in the vindictive, rigid spires of the perfect castle he was told he’d have to rule. He could almost hear it in each perfect word falling from the dark lips of his perfect Enchantress.
The search for perfection is meaningless.
To look for Heaven is to live in Hell.
Hell became his imperfect bondage. Edmund went willingly, unable to hear the calm voice of reason among his internal thirsty shouts for power and worship. How could such thoughts be anything but Heaven, when Peter (evil, poncy, stupid, mean, Peter) was gone? How could such a life be anything but Heaven when he, Edmund the Great, and not Peter the Git, would be a Prince?
How could such thoughts come to him? How could such thoughts control him? How could such desires overcome him?
Easily. He let them. He willingly lost the battle.
Edmund did not know that the war had yet to be fought. He did not know his fate would be decided that day. He did not know that his siblings-- the ones he’d made false cases against, the ones he’d belittled, badgered, beat, and broke inside the private sanctuary of his mind would come and fight so strongly for his heart.
For his soul. For his life.
He did not know that Peter was far more noble and dignified than he ever was given credit for. He did not know that Susan was gentle and wise beyond the Susan he had so often yelled at in his head. He did not guess that Lucy was far more forgiving and gallant than he would have thought her capable of.
Edmund did not know these things about the people he called family, but he soon learned on that fateful day in a land he originally claimed didn’t exist. He noticed, in shamed silence, how Peter had wished to pay the price of life and blood in place of his, Edmund’s, debt. He saw Susan grace him with a smile and a hug before they plunged into the fray. He felt tender healing from Lucy, her face pale and drawn with worry, as she saved him.
That day he realized his war and battles and bitterness stemmed from himself. That day he learned what humility was, as well as the amount strength and courage it took to feel such humility.
After that day, he finished his private battles.
That day he felt lion-strength push into him and fill him more than any amount of power could. He saw that worshiping this Lion was far greater than being worshiped himself.
That day he watched his sister’s faces next to him as they were crowed Queens. He watched his brother Peter crowned High King of Narnia and the Emperor of the Lone Islands.
After that moment, he ended his private war.
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